


ruining everything

by radioactiveRat



Category: Once Upon A Time In Hollywood (2019)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Men Crying, One Shot, Self Confidence Issues, Slurs, but it all works out at the end, just once, rick's a mess, soft, the boys are just hella nervous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24190309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radioactiveRat/pseuds/radioactiveRat
Summary: Leaving Rick Dalton alone with his thoughts never ends well.
Relationships: Cliff Booth/Rick Dalton
Comments: 8
Kudos: 62





	ruining everything

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to write something short and sweet, it came out longer than I thought but oh well,, it's all from Rick's POV because I really like writing about him, he can't catch a break honestly.  
> Hope you enjoy it! Also comments and critique are always very much appreciated :*

‘W-wait! We should—we should go to the bedroom.’ Rick says as he pulls away from Cliff’s tight hug. They’ve just gotten home, and they barely managed to take their shoes off before throwing themselves at each other. 

‘Then lead the way, partner.’ 

He’s got that smug smile on his face that makes Rick all flustered. He’s envious of his stuntman’s confidence and carefree attitude even in a situation so unusual.  
Rick grabs his hand and starts pulling him in the direction of his bedroom while he turns his face away so Cliff doesn’t see how hard he’s blushing. Rick’s not used to this, but he tries not to show it. 

They end up in bed and immediately resume what they were doing before. Rick might be on top, but he’s in no way leading. They aren’t yet lying down, Cliff just has the actor sitting in his lap while he kisses him, his lips, his neck, his shoulder, and Rick’s glad he didn’t wear a turtleneck today or he would have to take it off already. Now a couple of buttons down are enough for Cliff to reach whatever he wants to reach. Rick tries to focus on Cliff’s kisses, he can feel his lips on his neck, sucking hard and long and then— 

‘Ow!’ Rick yelps and puts his hand where he felt the pain. ‘Did you bite me!?’ 

Cliff just chuckles and rests his head on Rick’s shoulder, hugging him tightly. 

‘Sorry boss, might have overdone it a little, won’t happen again.’ 

‘N-no I’m...’ Rick swallows. ‘It’s okay, c-caught me off-guard that’s all. Y-y-you can do what you want.’ It feels strange for him to have enjoyed that, and it’s even stranger to admit that he did. But Cliff doesn’t laugh at him, he barely acknowledges it, he just continues. This time he’s more gentle and slow, and that’s what prompts Rick to kiss Cliff back, he closes his eyes and without a second thought leans hard into him and pushes him to lie down. Rick’s slowly taking control, he likes what he has, but he wants more. 

And more he gets, because Cliff seems to like the new direction this whole thing is going. Rick can tell he’s smiling, and it annoys him just a bit, because if just reeks of confidence. Not only is it annoying, it’s also really hot, and that’s just weird. 

Rick can feel Cliff ‘s hand reaching under his shirt to touch him, and Rick let’s him. He also let’s himself do the same to Cliff, which the stuntman takes as a sign to start undressing. 

Cliff takes his shirt off and Rick just can’t do nothing but stare at him. It’s a strange moment, because the actor stops all he was doing before, he’s just looking at his best friend of nine years, lying half naked under him. The events that led them to this are all a blur right now, they don’t really matter, it happened, and Rick’s happy, but he also feels like he’s doing something he shouldn’t. 

Rick knows Cliff’s waiting, but he just can’t bring himself to touch him again, to give into that temptation he was told to avoid for so many years. Rick starts to feel hot, in all the wrong ways, he looks up at Cliff’s eyes, his look is slowly turning from lust to worry, he’s gonna ask Rick what’s wrong, and Rick’s not going to be able to answer, and this whole thing is going to turn into another sobbing session. Rick’s just going to embarrass himself, and Cliff’s going to think he’s not worth his time in that way. Here we go again, Rick fucking Dalton ruining everything. 

‘Rick, what’s wrong?’ Cliff finally asks. His voice is calm and comforting, as it always is. 

Rick takes a deep breath, trying to think of a good response, but his brain fails him.  
‘I need to go to the bathroom, b-be right back.’ Is all he manages to say, and the he quickly runs out of the room, not even hearing what Cliff said after that. 

Rick goes to his second bathroom, the one that’s further away from the bedroom, he shuts the door behind him loudly, kicks a trash can, mutters a couple of swearwords and leans against the sink, with his hand on his face feeling like an utter failure. 

‘You’re such a fucking idiot! Fuck!’ he shouts as he grabs the first thing he can find and throws it against the wall. It didn’t make much noise, which Rick was glad about. 

He takes a deep breath and turns to the mirror. He’s sweaty, his hair’s a mess and his eyes glossy. He manages to calm down at least a little. He sees one of his robes hanging on the door and starts undressing. It’s better to change so Cliff thinks he went to the bathroom with an actual purpose other than to have a cry. 

‘T-that’s it, you’re gonna change, calm down, make yourself look g-good and come out like it’s all alright.’ He says as he takes off his clothes. ‘Cause it is aright, fuck, it’s just Cliff, what the fuck are you so scared of?!’ He asks himself, it’s a bit accusatory, he feels stupid, for the way he freaked out and for the way he’s acting now. 

When Rick is finally dressed properly he comes up to the mirror again, washes his face with cold water and tries his best to fix up his hair. He wants to look as attractive as he can for Cliff, he knows he’s not near as pretty as the other man, not near as fit and not at all as confident. And they say that confidence is the most attractive trait of all. Maybe that’s true, but it’s not like Cliff needs it.  
Rick stares in the mirror, so much for calming down, because now that he took a step back the reality of the situation has just dawned on him. His face crumbles, and he can’t hold the tears in anymore. 

‘You fucking faggot.’ He calls himself and sobs, looking away. It’s not something he hasn’t realized before, but he always hoped he would prove all the people that called him that over the years wrong. Yet here he is, about to have sex with a man, so much for that. 

Rick finds a cigarette pack in a pocket in his robe, he thanks himself mentally for keeping one in there. He lights it, his hands are shaking and he’s still crying as he talks in-between deep drags. 

‘You’re a fucking pussy too. God-goddamn f-forty years old and acting like a fucking virgin. You were so fucking ready at the party, what happened? You’re too scared to do anything for years, b-b-but as soon as Cliff starts to flirt with girls you’re acting like he’s all yours... selfish fucking bastard.’ He takes a breath, ‘And now that he is yours you’re being a fucking coward!’ he shouts, voicing his thoughts out loud like this always helps him somehow. He’s already less sad, now more just angry at himself. Maybe it’s not that healthy to yell at yourself in the mirror, but that’s just how Rick Dalton is. 

‘Cliff’s never gonna want to do anything after this.’ And he’s back to sobbing again. ‘He’s gonna give up on you, it’s not fucking worth it.’ 

If this was just about sex Rick would be fine, he doesn’t need it that much, but the worst thing is that he really cares about Cliff. Really, really cares. He wants to be with him, he wants to be Cliffs just as much as he wants Cliff to be his. It’s weird and it’s scary - that feeling, but it’s real. Realer than Rick’s ever felt. He wonders if Cliff feels the same, maybe he’s scared too, if that’s even possible. 

‘Bullshit.’ He says with a sad chuckle. ‘As if... He’s not even w-worried about the queer shit, he’s probably been with so many fucking men like it’s nothing.’  
Rick sighs. He’s tired of this situation and tired of himself. He’s been doing this since forever – overthinking shit. He should have just shut off his brain for today and worry about the consequences of his actions in the morning like normal people do. Too bad he freaked out and ruined the night for both of them and now there won’t be a second chance to get this right. Cliff’s a goddamn patient man, but everyone has their limits. 

Rick thinks for a moment as his cigarette burns in his hand. He has to do something, and going back like nothing happened isn’t really an option, because Cliff’s observant, and always worried for him, so he’ll know something’s wrong. Rick wonders if Cliff’s blaming himself for the situation, that he pushed the actor too far from his comfort zone, which he did, but not in a bad way. 

It’s less likely than Cliff being aware Rick’s a coward who breaks down crying anytime he feels any intense emotion. He’s witnessed it many times, but Rick’s meltdowns were never Cliff’s doing, he was just there to calm him down. Now it’s the opposite, and Rick’s just scared that when he sees him it’s all gonna repeat. 

‘Damnit.’ He sighs again and puts down what’s left of his cigarette. ‘You gotta be fucking honest with him, idiot.’ It’s only fair, he thinks, that’s what he would tell another person in his situation. 

He turns to the mirror and fixes his hair for the last time, muttering ‘You can do this.’ Under his nose, he feels like he’s practicing before shooting a scene, propping himself up, he’s not too far off, although this time he doesn’t have his lines ready and learned, which is more than stressful. 

He’s hesitant to get out of the bathroom, but after a couple of calming inhales and exhales he manages to open the door, and the sight of Cliff right behind it with his hand up to knock startles the shit out of him. 

‘J-Jesus fucking Christ Cliff! A-a-almost gave me a heart attack!’ 

‘Shit, sorry.’ He says slowly and smiles a little. ‘I was just worried ‘bout you, that’s all... You’ve been away for a while.’ 

Rick doesn’t know what to say as he watches Cliff rub the back of his neck nervously, he just now notices the stuntman still has his shirt off. He looks lost an out of place standing in front of him like that, and it breaks Rick’s heart because Cliff looks hurt more than anything else. Rick’s afraid he’s going to tell him he’s leaving at any moment if he doesn’t do something. 

‘I was j-just—just-‘ Words fail him again, it’s partially because of his stutter and partially because he just can’t seem to collect his thoughts.  
He sighs again and bites his lower lip, feeling his eyes fill up with tears again. ‘I’m sorry.’ He manages, and then it seems like both of them decided in the exact same second to go for a hug. They’ve done this enough times to know how it always ends, with them being close together. 

‘I don’t want you to leave.’ Rick sobs into Cliff’s shoulder, and the other man responds by tightening the hug. 

‘I ain’t going anywhere.’ He says. 

‘I k-keep ruining everything.’ Rick can feel Cliff’s hand in his hair, stroking gently as the actor talks. ‘I want this, I want—I want you, but I’m n-not—’ 

‘Ready?’ Cliff finishes for him, sparing him the struggle of expressing it all. 

Rick nods and sniffs. ‘It’s stupid. I know.’ 

‘Nah, it’s not partner. It’s all alright.’ Cliff’s voice is soft and calm, but Rick can tell there’s relief there. ‘We’ve done enough to get a ticket to hell anyway, so we might as well take a break.’ 

The joke makes Rick laugh, it makes him feel so much better knowing he’s not alone in this, that Cliff’s there for him and that he’s willing to wait. Part of his damn brain still wants to think Cliff’s lying, but Rick’s reasonable enough to know when his friend is being genuine. 

‘M-maybe we c-can just—just cuddle tonight. If you w-want.’ Rick proposes, it’s a little embarrassing, but he just feels too good in Cliff’s arms to ever let go of him. 

‘’Course I do.’ Cliff says as he gently kisses Rick on his forehead, then on the cheek, and Rick’s blushing like a schoolboy, but he doesn’t hide it. ‘I bet it’s enough to make tonight the best night of my fucking life.’ 

Cliff laughs as he says that, so Rick’s not sure if he’s serious, but the actor is certain that the sentiment is going to be true for him, he can already tell. 

Who knows, maybe tomorrow they can try and top it.


End file.
